Here are some more "classic" Artificial Turf sports essays. As always, feel free to comment on the message board.

I'D RATHER FLIP FLAPJACKS.......By Bill Rogan (11-17-05)
What is the worst job in sports? I would have to say ticket scalper is right near the top of the list. Especially a ticket scalper for teams like the Rockies, Clippers or Devil Rays. How do those detestable humans make a living doing that?
How about the guy who has to clean the uniforms of an NHL team or any hockey team for that matter? Nothing smells worse than a hockey locker room. Garbage dumps have more pleasing aromas. By the way, how come it's a locker room in every sport except baseball? In baseball it's a clubhouse. Which reminds me of another crummy job. The kid who has to scrape the mud off a baseball players spikes, pick up dirty jocks and also clean up tobaccy juice in the dugout. Clubhouse attendants have hideous jobs.
David Carr has a bad job. The Houston Texans quarterback is a human bruise thanks to the lack of an offensive line. He's 26 going on 83. Carr has been sacked so many times potatos feel sorry for him. He might be the first quarterback to lobby for the backup job. Or, better yet, the third string hold a clipboard while wearing a headset and looking important QB job.
The director of group sales for the Arizona Cardinals is likely a dismal occupation. How do you get two people to a game there, nevermind an actual group of like, six?
One job I wouldn't want is public relations director of the Portland Trailblazers. It can be considered a rotten job when the police have your telephone number on speed dial. That guy's job should be retitled "Damage Control Specialist."
Being in the entourage of a championship caliber boxer may seem glorious to an outsider. But, "member of the entourage" is merely a fancy way of saying hanger-on. Or gofer. Or flunky. Or lackey. Or toadie. Nothing is sadder then when a fighter not only loses a big bout but loses his entourage as well. Members of the entourage are like rats jumping off a sinking ship when their guy goes down. Loyalty not exactly a big part of an entourage guy's character.
Closely related is posse member of an NBA player. Usually this is a rather good gig until the player finally uses his brain and realizes he doesn't need these Yes-Men sucking the life out of his bank account. Posse members are basically glorified video game partners. Ex-posse member doesn't look too good on a resume.
Another bad job? The stall cleaner at the horse track. Long hours, poor wages and working in, you know, crap all day long.
How about the trophy case cleaner guy for the Chicago Cubs? Maybe he doesn't have a "bad" job but it's certainly not a very busy one.
There are plenty of others but those are the jobs off the top of my head that would classify as some of the worst in sports. Oh yeah, I forgot to include another one....the lowly sports talk show host.

VOTE FOR RICE.......By Bill Rogan (11-10-05)
How do you classify a bonafide baseball Hall of Famer? Do you go by stats? Do you go by heresay? Or, do you go by what you actually saw of that player? I cannot truly comment on how great Lefty Grove was. I can look at his stats and conclude he was a pretty dominant player. I can view old black and white films and get an idea of his motion and delivery. I can listen to old interviews and read old articles and get a feel for him. But I never saw Grove play. The same goes for guys like Bob Feller, Jackie Robinson, Lou Gehrig and Sandy Koufax. I know of them, I've studied them, but I never saw them play. Of the contemporary Hall of Famers, I saw George Brett and Mike Schmidt play. I saw Tom Seaver and Nolan Ryan pitch. I don't need to look at old films or look up their stats. I saw them play with my own two eyes.
For those who have listened to my radio program, you are well aware that my heart bleeds Yankees pinstripes and I am not the least bit fond of the Red Sox. However, I do believe in people getting their due, even if they played for Boston. With that being said, it is an outrage and travesty that Jim Rice is not in the Hall of Fame. I saw him play and he was, and is, a clear cut Hall of Famer in my book.
There were only a handful of players over the past few decades that made me want to soil myself when they came to bat in a big spot against the Yankees. Brett was one of them. Kirk Gibson, Carl Yastrzemski and Eddie Murray were others. Add to that short list Rice. Every big Rice at-bat against the Yanks had me gripping and sweating in fear. If I were a pitcher against him I would have gone behind the mound and fallen into the fetal position. Rice was a masher. He terrorized pitchers and, pay attention here, he was clutch. Some players rack up the stats but they seem to falter quite a bit when the pressure is on. Dave Winfield anybody? But not Rice. He was scary with the game on the line. Memories can fade over time but the feeling of uneasiness I endured with every Rice plate appearance stays with me vividly. I was glad when he retired.
Was Rice a salty guy at times with the media? Apparently he was. Should that preclude him from Cooperstown? No. Forget the statistics. We all know Rice had good numbers. Not overwhelming to some, but good stats nonetheless. Pre-steroid era numbers I might add. The baseball writers who are privledged enough to vote on the Hall of Fame need to take their heads out of their rears ends, remove personal animosity from the equation, and elect Rice. This year. Then, when I visit the Hall of Fame again and see Rice's plaque, I can break out into a cold sweat, just like old times. You see, I SAW Jim Rice play.

SHAMEFUL NCAA.......By Bill Rogan (11-9-05)
Just about everybody agrees there should be a playoff to determine a Division I National Champion in college football. Just about everybody, except the NCAA. On the surface, a major reason the NCAA doesn't want a playoff seems solid. They don't want to extend the season too far into January forcing student-athletes to miss valuble class time. Like I said, their reasoning appears solid. It isn't. It is hypocracy at it's highest.
Since Division I-AA and Divisions II and III have playoffs to determine a true champion, does that mean the education of those football players is less important than the ones who participate in Division I? If the NCAA is so worried about class time being missed, then why do they allow games to be played mid-week? It's absurd to play college football games on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. Where is the NCAA when TV forks over big bucks for Southern Miss to play at Marshall on a Tuesday evening and then for West Virginia to visit Cincinnati the next night? Not a single word uttered about missed class time by the NCAA.
The NCAA wants to protect their bowl games, fearing a playoff system could harm the bowls. I understand that concern. However, if bowl games were used as playoff games, that would likely make silly bowl games like the Motor City Bowl actually have some importance. If we had a 16-team playoff, using the current bowls as hosts, we would see games that meant something and in all likelihood eliminate those 6-5 teams that infultrate the current watered down bowl system. With all due respect, 6-5 squads don't belong in bowl games. Who wants to see that? Judging by attendance at those type of bowl games, not many.
There should be a 16-team playoff, in December when many schools are on break. The big bowl games, like the Rose, Orange and Sugar can host the semi-finals and National Championship game. If there are bowl games that are not part of the playoff system, that's ok. They can still host games for teams that don't crack the 16-team playoff. The lesser bowls can also alternate so they will always have a chance to host a playoff game every year or two. While any proposal needs tweaking and fine tuning, something needs to be done to create a true National Champion. The NCAA needs to get off their sanctimonious high-horse and implement some type of playoff. They also need to stop lying to the public about missed class time and the welfare of their student-athletes. They don't care one bit.

FOX IN A HENHOUSE.....By Bill Rogan (11-1-05)
Theo Epstein is out as General Manager of the Red Sox. Boston offered him well more than 1-million dollars a year to remain but he turned it down. Maybe he can earn more working at Wal-Mart or Home Depot. I don't know. Anyway, the boy wonder GM finished after three seasons, including one that resulted in a World Series championship.
What should the Bosox do now about their suddenly vacant general manager's position? Never fear Red Sox nation, your pally Bill has the solution. They should hire ME to become the next GM.
I have an extensive baseball background. I played the game through college and in various semi-pro leagues until the age of 31. I spent five seasons broadcasting minor league baseball. I have studied the sport, analyzed the game and have spoken to a multitude of players, managers, general managers, scouts, owners and popcorn vendors. I am willing to go on record as saying I know more baseball than any man alive. With credentials like that, it should be a no-brainer that I become the next Red Sox General Manager. Plus, I'll take a quarter of what they were going to fork over to Theo.
My first order of business as the Red Sox GM would be to trade David Ortiz to the Yankees for backup catcher John Flaherty. I would also send young flamethrowing relievers Jonathan Papelbon and Craig Hansen to the Yanks for Ruben Sierra. Then, in a benevolent move, I would ship Jason Varitek to the Rockies and pay 90-percent of his salary. The Rocks need a catcher and are too cheap to pay all of his salary. I would also keep the human distraction called Manny Ramirez and double the lunkhead's salary, sending the Boston payroll through the roof.
Then I'm rather confident I would get fired immediately and my reign of error as Boston GM would last less than 48-hours. But I would have succeeded in my ultimate goal of wrecking the Red Sox.

THEY MIGHT COME AFTER YOU NEXT.........By Bill Rogan (10-27-05)
They're out there. I don't know exactly where but they are out there. They are lurking. These rabblerousers are looming, waiting to jump anyone who says anything they can turn into a fiery racial issue.
The Al Sharpton wannabes had their chance this week to ambush a most decent and honorable man, Fisher DeBerry, the longtime Air Force football coach. DeBerry basically said that his team needed more speed and that they should start recruiting more black athletes because, as DeBerry noted, "They run very, very well." If anything, DeBerry should have been written up for stating the obvious.
Of course black athletes run better than white athletes or hispanic or asian athletes. Take a look at the racial makeup of NFL or NBA rosters. Of course there are exceptions. There are some black kids who lack footspeed just as there are some white guys (like me) who can run like the wind. But in general, the black athlete runs faster. What is wrong with a coach saying that he needs to recruit more black athletes to improve team speed? If anything, it is complementary to the black athlete. Plus, wouldn't recruiting more black student athletes provide additional opportunities for minorities to attend such a prestigious institution as the United States Air Force Academy?
These days, people are going out of their way to be offended. Not wanting to be left out, I'm also offended now. I'm offended, and outraged, that Coach DeBerry was reprimanded by Superintendent Lt. General John Regni. He should have said he supported his coach 100-percent and that this is a complete non-issue. Instead, he made DeBerry apologize for essentially telling the truth.
To the politically correct vultures out there who are now looking for their next victim to assail, I have something for you. Listen carefully to some television sportscasters. Pay attention when they compliment a player by saying, "He's a great kid...and he's very articulate." Notice that they only use the word 'articulate' when discussing a black athlete. To me, that is subtle racism, implying that not many black athletes speak coherently but this one actually does! There, I've given all you racial crusaders something to chew on. Now get off Fisher DeBerry's back and find an issue that truly speaks of racism.

5 FOR THE PRICE OF ONE...MINI-ESSAYS!...By Bill Rogan (10-20-05)
Some Minnesota Vikings players are in hot water, and the franchise is taking a public relations hit, due to the alledged debauchery aboard a recent cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Yeah, so? This is shocking to you? Professional athletes behaving like Philistines? I'm more shocked that a team I thought would waltz to the NFC North title is 1-4 and playing like New Mexico State........... The NBA has issued a dress code. Good. I've always been highly offended at the way some NBA players are attired when they are walking from their cars to the arena. Come on. The dress code should be simply limited to their uniforms on the court. Off the court, these are grown men. Let them wear what they want to wear. If a guy wants to dress like a businessman or a gangsta, who cares? I know who cares. The stuffy old white guys in suits who run the league and can't relate to seeing young black guys dressing differently than they did when they were that age....... I watched my first NHL shootout on TV last night. The Islanders beat the Rangers via the shootout. Initially, I was against the shootout to break ties, thinking it was untraditional and gimmicky. But, after witnessing it, I have changed my tune. It was exciting and entertaining, something the NHL has needed for a long time...... It appears New Orleans Saints heartless, money grubbing owner Tom Benson wants to become the owner of the San Antonio Saints. The mayor of San Antonio, a creep named Phil Hardberger, says he is working with Benson to permanently relocate the team to the city. Benson has long wanted to move the team from New Orleans. Thanks to Hurricane Katrina, Benson now has the wheels in motion to give the devastated city of New Orleans a collective kick to the groin and a loogie in the face. Shame on Benson and Hardberger. That's like the guy who asks for Jim's office when he hears his co-worker died of a heart attack 10-minutes ago. Hopefully the other NFL owners won't allow such a despicable move to take place...... The Houston Astros and the Chicago White Sox are in the World Series. Just doesn't sound right, does it? Still, it sounds better than Boston Red Sox, 2004 World Series Champs. Can't get used to that one.

IRISH EYES CRYIN'....BUT SMILIN'......By Bill Rogan (10-16-05)
Southern Cal 34 Notre Dame 31. It was one of the best football games I have ever seen and one of the most painful losses I have ever suffered as a fan of the Fighting Irish. I have never cried, literally, over a painful loss. While I am passionate and emotional when rooting for my teams, I don't cry when they lose a game. Do I get bummed out? Do I toss and turn when I go to bed? Sure. Cry? No. But I wanted to though yesterday. However I will say this, I don't feel as bad today as I did yesterday when Matt Leinart scored on a quarterback sneak to win the game for the Trojans.
I'm not even going to moan about the fact that Reggie Bush pushed Leinart from behind which is against the rules and should have resulted in a flag. I'm not going to even mention that on the previous play, when Leinart was tackled on the 1-yard line, the ball was fumbled out of bounds at the 3-yard line and the officials missed the spot. Instead I'm going to talk about the transformation of Notre Dame football. If you are one of those Notre Dame haters, this would be a good time to stop reading. If you are an Irish fan, then keep on reading.
Notre Dame football is back on the national stage. There is no doubt about that. After a decade of mediocrity under Bob Davie and Tyrone Willingham, the fight is back in the Fighting Irish. No offense to Davie and Willingham but Charlie Weis is much more suited to coaching Notre Dame. What Weis has done on just 10-months on the job is incredible. He has completely turned the offense around. From a team that had struggled for a long time scoring points, the offense is now a juggernaut. Expect the defense to improve as time goes on. But most importantly, Weis has changed the mindset of the program. Instead of hoping to win, Notre Dame expects to win again. I truly thought Notre Dame would win yesterday. Under Willingham I would have hoped for a win. Then I would have probably witnessed another dominating victory by the Trojans.
The future is incredibly bright at Notre Dame. What high school standout, with dreams of playing in the NFL one day, wouldn't want to play under Charlie Weis, a guy who has earned 4 Super Bowl rings? Also, instead of using Notre Dame's strict academic standards as an excuse, Weis embraces it. He would rather coach smart kids than dopes. And no doubt, the four and five star recruits are returning to South Bend. Recruiting has been very promising and encouraging already. As Weis continues to get his type of players into the program, Notre Dame will become the powerhouse it was in days gone by.
So, if you hate Notre Dame and still are reading, enjoy yesterday's loss. Enjoy the fact that Notre Dame will not win a National Championship this year. Revel in the fact that Notre Dame has not won a bowl game since 1993. Enjoy it while you can. Because under Charlie Weis the Irish are back. The Bowl wins, the National Championships and Heisman Trophy winners are just around the corner for the revitalized Fighting Irish.

 *THE STEROID ERA*.........By Bill Rogan (9-30-05)
The steroid era in baseball. When did it start? When did it end? I don't know if we can definitively say when it began. It hasn't completely ended either as evidenced by those players who have been caught using steroids this season. However, let's just say the steroid era began, in earnest, in 1985, the year Jose Canseco made his debut in the major leagues. Let's say it ended after the 2004 season when baseball implemented a steroid policy, as weak as it is, for the 2005 season. That 20-year period should be forever known as The Steriod Era. Every statistic, every one, should be labled with an asterisk. You may say, why put an asterisk next to the stats of a player who was clean? Who is to say who was clean and who wasn't? As far as I'm concerned, every single player who suited up for a major league team from 1985 through 2004 is under the umbrella of suspicion. The players can place the blame for that on Donald Fehr, the sour-pussed union leader. A lesser part of the blame can be dropped on Commisioner Clueless Bud Selig.
Fehr's number one priority should be to protect the health and welfare of his constituants. Well, he fought hard for their monetary welfare. But health? He couldn't care less. If he did care, he would have insisted, at the first hint of steroid abuse among the union, that steroid testing be implemented. Immediately. But home runs flying out of ballparks meant dollars and more dollars.
Selig, a stooge mouthpiece for the owners, looked the other way when steroids hit the scene. He also saw the dollar signs when steroid freaks were belting home runs at a record, yet fraudulent pace. Now, Selig wants a harsher steroid policy and Fehr is still against Selig's proposal.
Every clean player should demand some answers from Fehr. Mainly, why were you, and why are you, aiding and abetting the cheats and not looking out for the long-term health of your constituants and the game? Why did we have to wait so long for any type of steroid policy?
We all have an educated idea on who has used steroids. Bonds, Sosa, McGwire, Palmiero...the list goes on. But we don't really know about all the others who have played in the last 20-years do we? So, don't wipe out the statistics. But place an asterisk on every stat across the board. The Steroid Era, 1985-2004. Thank you Donald Fehr and Bud Selig. Thanks for making the statistics that are so essential to the game irrelevant for the past two decades.

BUT I ONLY HAD 2 BEERS OFFICER.....By Bill Rogan (9-25-05)
Tailgating has become an American tradition. People in stadium parking lots firing up the grill and eating and drinking. And drinking. And drinking some more. Then heading into the stadium and drinking even more. I don't have the statistics to back me up on this. But I'm guessing there are quite a few inebriated people driving home after NFL games.
I've spoken to numerous people who have told me they don't go to games anymore because the drunkards have taken over. They make the games impossible to take children to, unless you want your kids to grow up just like them. Yelling obscenities is not civilized behavior. Nor is threatening fans who happen to be cheering for the other team. People do things under the influence of alcohol that they normally wouldn't do and this is evident at NFL stadiums across the country.
Personally, the boorish behavior at football games doesn't bother me nearly as much as knowing that an awful lot of those people are getting behind the wheel of a car that shouldn't be doing so. What can be done about it? In the stadium, security should crack down on anti-social behavior by tossing people out and, if warrented, arresting them. There should be police sobriety checkpoints at the exit of every parking lot that surrounds the stadium. Teams should pay for the expense. They're making gobs and gobs of money, they can afford it. Would this cause even longer traffic jams out of stadiums? You bet it would. But don't you think it would be worth it to keep drunk drivers off the roads?
I'm not anti-tailgating. I'm not anti-drinking. But I am against drunks ruining a day at a football game and I'm vehemently against them maiming and killing people when they drive home drunk.